Now that I've accepted my slow descent into unemployed-slob territory (no, it didn't go easily, I had a major mopefest for exactly one day, and then picked up my pants and continued on), I'm struggling with what I term 'the tyranny of time'.
This is the issue of too much time - something you may say to yourself is a wonderful thing to have, like a holiday that never ends! Except when you're in it. The weather is gorgeous, you have a lovely pony to spend time with and no demands either which way. And this, my friends, is trouble. First of all, the weather is gorgeous. How is this a problem? Well, when it's this nice out, I want to be out doing things in it (riding said pony), but the problem when you're unemployed and everyone else is otherwise employed, is that you get stuck doing the majority of fun sunshine events alone. And the company of yourself, yourself and yourself gets mighty old. The fun of events and activities isn't necessarily sharing the activity itself, but of the shared experience.
I'm also fighting with the rather abrupt transition of unemployed-work-unemployed. It's like a bizarre sandwich of responsibilities. I get really good at doing nothing, then suddenly I'm good at doing everything - then nothing. I guess it doesn't help that my partner is away for another few months, and while that's all fine and all while I working, that issue of the pleasure of my company gets very stale after awhile.
So there are a few issues at heart: no partner, lovely weather, no responsibilities, increasing lack of motivation (this gets worse every time I am unemployed) and that monster of boredom. Also I am getting very sloppy with typing and spelling, and perhaps driving. Save me from myself!
I am reminded of song lyrics that claim it's possible to feel alone in a crowded room, yes it is, but it's also as likely to feel alone, with my burgeoning hermithood, in a sunny apartment.
And this time? That stretches in front of me for an impossibly long period? I will want it back, I will want to save it, hoard it and guard it jealously when I want it again. That, my friends, is the tyranny of time. I am in a place I love, with friends I adore, a pony that continually challenges and delights/frustrates me, and yet...
I am hard to please these days. I am so close to self-actualization that it's actually more frustrating than when I wasn't near it at all! All I hear is to enjoy it while I have it, but that makes me resent it even more. Unasked for gifts are the hardest to return.
Also my feet are riddled with blisters and I have a large scrape that is healing on my arm. The blisters are particularly annoying, as they won't allow me to wear running shoes right now and frankly, they are hideous. All courtesy of an interesting trail ride gone amok this weekend.
I'm still pondering what to do, what to do.
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