Gasp Splutter Intelligible Choking noises

This has not been my week. I actually had quite the inner dialogue leading up to this blog post, that went something like, should I label this blog St. Susan, Martyr of the World? Or maybe, the Existential Struggle of Susan, something really dramatic to capture the essence of my emotions.\

Yes, this has been a heavy week indeed. Existential struggle, choking rage, oh they all go together so well, don't they. I can divide this week into two struggles: job, and life. Let's start with job.

Job: Tuesday I decided I hated what I do. More specifically, I hate the assistant part of what I do. The communication part I really quite enjoy. I rather enjoyed the 'ass'istant part until it dawned on me in a big hurry Tuesday that I NEVER WANT TO BE AN ASSISANT AGAIN. It may have been the 'helpful' snarky email from some co-irker who rescheduled a meeting three times, and then politely declined my 4th rescheduling with a suggestion to 'use Outlook' to see when their schedule was open. Ohh...right. Oh, thank you. My goodness, and here I'd been using an abacus and fucking magic ball to divine your ever-changing availability. Oh riiighht...

And then another request from another person (they are all nice people, not assholes) who had some things that needed to be created RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!! And was not taking my ''well, I have to be at -comm job--this afternoon, and am away at at 2 day meeting this week'' very well at all. It has to be done by this Friday!!!

So, guess who pulls time out of her ass to juggle this, the more important job, and oh, the printer's not working, call IT and ask them to fix it, explain what is happening to my print job, print stuff for them even though it wasn't MY print job that was screwing up, and by the way, I still need those things for FRIDAY!!!

Cue emphatic sigh. Actually, I thought I was going to grab my monitor and smash it into the ground. Normally these sort of things, in what is a usually respectful workplace, don't phase me. I can't figure out why I am SO FUCKING IRRITATED by it currently.
My pet theory; I am achingly ambitious, need/want/desire to be recognized for my skillset rather than having two hands, sort-of brain and eyeballs. Jobs that do not fulfill this need get resented very quickly...

Whatever happened to eternal sunshine of the spotless mind? Why can't I be happy printing labels? Photocopying? Opening mail? Creating binders? Buying supplies? Why do I want to scream an endless ranting scream when I think of a lifetime of that. It feels like hell & purgatory combined. I know people who are what I am and are relatively happy, sure they get pissed off, but not the bottomless pit of despair I get when I realize: is this all? We've been sold a cheap bill of sale, and I want to be needed for my smarts, not my 'good work ethic'.

A piece of my soul dies whenever I am referred to as an administrative assistant. I never want this said about me, "Oh, Susan? Yes she's our go-to girl. Works at the front desk in reception." Yes in the beginning this was fine, until I was beginning to claw my way up. But every time I hear this, I hear good worker going nowhere not sharp thinker, ambitious,

Ok, moving on to the life conundrum. Can I sum it up?
Husband absent, horse life sucks, school work getting increasingly edgy, computer crashed and I am fighting with a new one with an imminent paper due, two freelance writing jobs. Oh, and I have begun stress eating and stress running. I hope they balance each other out.

Sometimes it's hard to breathe under the crushing weight of (my?) expectations.